Log In

Solved

7 Oct 2019, 10:26 am (Edited 7 Oct 2019, 11:51 am)
So this is awkward... I'm ace but I identify as a lesbian because 99% of the people I like are women/women-aligned (aka nonbinary and gender-nonconforming women). Recently I came across someone on social media who didn't accept "bi lesbians" following them and they said it boiled down to someone calling themselves a lesbian but dating a man.

This made me uncomfortable because I'm dating a man, but it's a bit complicated. Last year, on December 25th, I met the guy I'm now with. I moved in with him this March not because I loved him but to get out of an abusive household. I live in the South so it's almost impossible finding a girlfriend (I've only had two my whole life) and it was easier to move out with a guy than with a lady. But I genuinely did like this man, and I still do. I've even fallen in love with him. We're both ace which is honestly amazing because he's just a really good friend. We are romantically involved though, so I feel a little weird calling myself a lesbian, and when I've said that in front of him it made him uncomfortable. It also made my last boyfriend uncomfortable when I was exploring my orientation more and saying that "I think I might be a lesbian" and "I like women a lot more than men."

It's really hard because I USUALLY don't like guys and I don't want to be that person who says they love women but is with a man. But I also have no other place to go. If I hadn't moved in with this guy I'd be homeless. My stepdad was threatening to have the sheriff kick me out of the house for weeks before I moved out. It wasn't a good situation...and I guess I did kind of use this guy to have a better home, which I feel bad about, but I do like him. He's good company. We watch tv, play video games together, cook together, go for walks and stuff...He feels a lot like my brother but more laid-back like I am. I really do like this guy but I don't want to say I'm bi because I typically don't like men.

The guy I'm with has talked about maybe buying a house together but that'd be 5-10 years from now (I'm unemployed and he's living payday to payday, so that won't come anytime soon!) and we've talked about our future if we stay together. He wants to spend the holidays together, so that's something. I'm just very conflicted about labeling myself. I have the sapphic flag in my signature because that might be a little more appropriate? I just don't like identifying with the bi crowd because every bi person I know (in real life or online) is more 50-50 or 30-70 or whatever in their "I like more than one" ratio, and my ratio is so polarized that I don't feel like I fit with bi. I'm also in no position to break up with this guy because if we do and I move out I'd just end up at the homeless shelter, and that's not what I want. We have a really good thing going but I don't want people calling me a hypocrite so...any advice would be appreciated. Feel free to go hard on me. I'm in my twenties, I can take a roast or two. I'll be subscribed to this thread.
8vvXEm9.pngnYno2vL.pngnkOnSpH.pngOqv21DW.png16416471_3Oo2I268dHxt63H.png


7 Oct 2019, 11:20 am
I'm not the best in advice, but here are a few thoughts on the topic:
1. I am of the opinion that everyone has their own exception. For example, myself in a relationship with a man. We have been together for almost 6 years, despite the fact that I am asexual, and he is hetero. If you feel good with a person, then what's the difference which label to use?
2. Are you really in love with this guy or is this a very deep friendship? This is actually an important issue because it can be the basis of confusion. Perhaps a conversation with him will help with the answer, including about how he feels for you.
3. A small mental exercise: imagine that your neighbor is a lady. Does it make you more or less happy? Also try to imagine that you spend with this guy your whole life. How do you feel about this? And if he was a lady?
In fact, as long as you feel comfortable with some kind of label - this good for you.
Xy6FohU.png

Avatar by RGDPersonallity
7 Oct 2019, 12:08 pm
ZeKosh Yeah that's fair. Labels aren't the end-all be-all and sometimes it's hard to remember that XD I edited my original post about the bi part because I reread it and realized it sounded a little bad. I didn't mean to come off as dissing bi people. I meant that the label doesn't fit me.

For #2 I wanted to say both at first, but I thought about it and I guess I lean more towards the second option. I do get a brotherly vibe out of him and his company is what I love the most. Even when we say "I love you" it's not a "oh baby you rock my world," no, it's more of an "I appreciate you and what you bring to this." We've said this to each other, but it feels like we met a copy of each other, just the opposite sex. We don't agree on everything but we do have a lot in common: we both like rock and pokemon, we're both passionate but also laid-back and slow to anger. It's something I've never experienced. With women I'm really shy and giddy but that lasted maybe a month with him.

I get a little uneasy when I think about our future because it's uncertain. I don't really think I'd be comfortable marrying him down the road. If he was a woman...I'm not sure. The family I'm still talking to is constantly asking when we're going to get married and it just...feels gross..partly because they're rushing me to make a decision, and partly because I don't know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
8vvXEm9.pngnYno2vL.pngnkOnSpH.pngOqv21DW.png16416471_3Oo2I268dHxt63H.png
7 Oct 2019, 12:54 pm
Hm. How about "pan-romantic"? You can put almost anything on this label!)
Your relationship sounds really cool. Maybe just let it exist and go with the flow? At least as long as nothing unpleasant happens or until you meet your beautiful lady. (And as little as possible speak with an abusive family. It's only your life.)
Xy6FohU.png

Avatar by RGDPersonallity
7 Oct 2019, 12:58 pm
ZeKosh said:
Hm. How about "pan-romantic"? You can put almost anything on this label!)
Your relationship sounds really cool. Maybe just let it exist and go with the flow? At least as long as nothing unpleasant happens or until you meet your beautiful lady. (And as little as possible speak with an abusive family. It's only your life.)


I already identify as panromantic, actually! But most people don't care about that it seems: It's more of "but who do you really like (aka who do you want to be with forever) that has me hung up. But that being said, sapphic/panromantic might be the terms I should use to avoid any confusion. That's not a bad idea.

I'll try not to worry about labeling too much for now ^^ And just enjoy the games and walks that we share. Thank you for your help.
8vvXEm9.pngnYno2vL.pngnkOnSpH.pngOqv21DW.png16416471_3Oo2I268dHxt63H.png
7 Oct 2019, 1:03 pm
No problem, sugar. Poke if you want to chat yet)
Xy6FohU.png

Avatar by RGDPersonallity
7 Oct 2019, 1:18 pm
Even if you've got a 99 preference for women and a 1 for men, you could still class yourself under the Bi label. I have a friend who is Bi, but very much more into women than men, similarly to how you describe it. I myself have a bigger preference for women/women aligned and nb people but my queerplatonic partner is an aromantic bisexual man- things work out in ways you don't expect them to!

Of course you said identifying yourself as Bi isn't something you're personally comfortable with, and that's more than understandable! Some identities, even if they correspond with what we're feeling, can still not feel 'right', so to speak. You also mentioned the sapphic flag in your signature and that it was more appropriate, which is an observation I agree with- as that way you can make it very clear that your preferences lie with women/women aligned/nb people but it also doesn't necessarily contradict your current relationship with a man

And I saw the other posts as I was writing this, panromantic/sapphic sounds good, and certainly fits into what you're saying!

I've no idea of any of what I said was helpful, but I thought I'd give it a go anyhow! 'Course don't forget that at the end of the day, it's your decision to make on what you want to label yourself as, and heck, you don't even have to use one at all
Lofty/Apollo II 20 II Avi/Avis & They/Them II NB II Aromantic Asexual

II Tumblr II Twitter II AO3 II
3448-aromantic-pride-button.png 3445-asexual-pride-button.png 3508-writer-button.png
7 Oct 2019, 1:26 pm
Rhychu No worries! I created this thread for feedback, and everything so far has been very helpful! I guess I have been hung up on clinging to "lesbian" and getting backlash for not being a perfect model of that. I suppose I should relinquish that term and use panromantic, sapphic, or just not use a label. At the end of the day I'm happy with the guy I'm with-- the benefits I enjoy the most are platonic, but that should be enough for me I think. I shouldn't stress about this so much because it's just a headache. And like you and ZeKosh have said, labels don't define a relationship. Thank you both for your enlightenment :)
8vvXEm9.pngnYno2vL.pngnkOnSpH.pngOqv21DW.png16416471_3Oo2I268dHxt63H.png