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May I get a critique on my writing?

2 Feb 2017, 8:24 pm
So, I got this new idea.
Make a short, strange story.
Its about a person working with disgusting and horrible creatures without thinking it's scary or weird.
I know the ending is a little wonky, but the way I'm writing it makes me feel like I wanna write it forever on.

Here it is:

I am the one who takes care of the children.
The children live in Our Lady's Heart.
She doesn't actually have a heart,
I don't think she does, so it probably is true.

Our Lady's Heart has many doors.
All of the doors look the same.
Except for Our Lady's.
She doesn't have a door.

The children are nice.
I like G'nagk the best, because it wants to destroy everything in existence.
Including me.
I'm so proud of it.

I think people are afraid of Our Lady's Heart.
It's nice, but I would rather be living anywhere else.
Sometimes I wish I could read books other than the ones we have here.
The books we have make me sick.

Our Lady is nice to the children.
She'd throw them out the windows if we had them.
I don't think she likes me, though.
She'd rather have me sent to Room 28.

Room 28 is where nobody is.
Nobody has ever entered Room 28.
I don't exactly know why.
Our Lady says I'm going to be the first.

I hate eating the food here.
It's made of the bones of the previous children here.
We're lucky if we get meat with it.
I hope we'll get to drink filtered water someday.

I wish I could be like the doves I sometimes see.
With all the doors, every room gets mixed up.
And I get lost.
But doves always know where to go.

G'nagk tells me it well get me out.
I tell it that Our Lady will find me if she is not dead.
G'nagk says it will devour our lady.
She will punish all who threaten her.

G'nagk was dead.
Mangled, but still had meat on it.
The children cheered.
They would have a rich feast tonight.

Life in Our Lady's Heart is alright.
I enjoy seeing the children, and I want them to pursue their dreams.
That is why I'm setting fire to Our Lady's Heart.
I hope I'll do alright in the outside world.


Was it alright? It dragged on a bit longer than I originally thought it would, but I just wanna know what others think.
Should I continue it? Should I make it into a short story? Should I shorten it? Should I describe it in more detail? What is room 28?
Please send feedback, thank you!
Apollyon
-Male|Sleepy|Hail to Hoots!-
The second o in my name is a zero

O2HT1Io.png


3 Feb 2017, 7:26 am
Bumperoni and cheese
Apollyon
-Male|Sleepy|Hail to Hoots!-
The second o in my name is a zero

O2HT1Io.png
3 Feb 2017, 3:03 pm
bump
Apollyon
-Male|Sleepy|Hail to Hoots!-
The second o in my name is a zero

O2HT1Io.png
3 Feb 2017, 3:05 pm
Whoa.
Saggitari Eyebrows = Best Eyebrows
3 Feb 2017, 3:07 pm
I enjoyed reading this, and I actually want to know more about this story. ouo
IORml3
wcv7iw
You're advancing mercilessly
Unprovoked and needlessly
And I'll march you into the sea
Just to watch you drown in the end

I am used to these black eyes
To be bruised, antagonized
But it overwhelms my mind
To believe that I called you a friend
3 Feb 2017, 3:14 pm
it is a great story!
it really dragged me in so i needed to keep reading it.
room 28 is very interesting indeed.
because it seems no one has taken a step in there yet
and its mysterious because who knows what could be behind that door...
while people are probably enjoying the nice bright sun of Spring, i'm here freezing my toes off in Autumn... snips?

I am addicted to the Hamilton musical..
(that's it)

screen_shot_2017_07_03_at_12_16_12_am_by
Drawing_1.png
NOTHING WAS HERE
3 Feb 2017, 3:23 pm
Marama
Thank you a ton!
Yeah, I was kinda thinking about how to go about with a mysterious room
And then I got it
Combine a number I hate and a number thats pretty wicked
And bam, spooky room.
Yuki
Aw shucks, thank you!
LilMemePerson
Is that whoa as in that its a good spook or is that whoa as in its a bad spook
Apollyon
-Male|Sleepy|Hail to Hoots!-
The second o in my name is a zero

O2HT1Io.png
3 Feb 2017, 3:52 pm
TechniGhost Whoa as in "This is super awesome how did you come up with it I would love to know more about the characters and stuff wow"
Saggitari Eyebrows = Best Eyebrows
3 Feb 2017, 4:36 pm
LilMemePerson

And now, question time with ya boi Aug!
Q: "How did you come up with it"
A: Take the structure from the Bambi's Nightmare (Imprint Of The Fifth Cycle) videos, sprinkle in H. P. Lovecraft, add a dash of my birds screaming, and bam, this thing popped out.

Q: "I would love to know more about the characters"
A: The narrator has no name, and there is no official design for them (They could also be of any gender, but for the sake of not including every pronoun ever, I will just be calling them by they/them/themself/theirs). Our Lady has no official design. G'nagk has no official design, and neither do any of the children. Everything interpretation of the characters is right. Even if you think that the narrator is a demented psycho and the children and Our Lady represent what the psycho hates, that is correct.

Q: "I would love to know more about... stuff, wow"
A: Thank you for the wow. By stuff, I assume you mean lore. So, Here it goes. The narrator works/lives/is forced to work at a building/bunker/etc with no windows, and only doors. They're a caretaker for the children there, and they work under Our Lady. Our Lady seems to have originated from a horrible place, but any questioning of her origin is resulted in death. The children all have Lovecraftian-esque names. There are so many doors that only a few have been named. Here is a subsequent list by the narrator:
Room #1: Where Our Lady lives. There is no door to the room. Its called "Room #1" cause she believes she's the smartest.
Room #2: Where two of the children live. Ichuac and Eaugott are covered in matted fur and have never taken a gasp for air. When entering, do not breathe under the doorway.
Room #4: Covered in the skin of a former child. Has been that way before I arrived.
Room #6: The Dining Hall. Covered in black mold. Our Lady will not serve anyone protected from the mold.
Room #7 & #8: Connected. Appear to be a super-computer developing itself. Nobody is allowed inside after 7:30 PM, and the rooms disappear at 8:00 PM. They re-appear at 7:00 AM the following day.
Room #9-#20: Rooms for children. Nothing remarkable. Filled with beds and lamps and analog clocks. All are smelly.
Room #21-#27: Don't Exist. If found, walk away while reciting. The Recital goes as follows: State your name. State your appearance. State your name again. State the things you like. State your name again. State your friend's name(names). State your name. State their appearance. State your name again. Repeat until the door is out of site. Never lose eye-contact with the door.
Room #28: Under construction. Will Never be completed. It leaks. Teeth and finger/toenails have been found outside the door on the 28th day of the month. Never attempt to unlock the door.
You may have noticed how we are missing Rooms #3 and #5. They used to be here, but were swallowed during the Raid Of Flies.
Apollyon
-Male|Sleepy|Hail to Hoots!-
The second o in my name is a zero

O2HT1Io.png
3 Feb 2017, 4:38 pm
TechniGhost Helpful.
Saggitari Eyebrows = Best Eyebrows
4 Feb 2017, 8:15 am
bump i still want more opinions
Apollyon
-Male|Sleepy|Hail to Hoots!-
The second o in my name is a zero

O2HT1Io.png