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Gender Identity Label Help [solved]

21 Jun 2019, 4:51 pm
Hey guys, this has been something that's been on my mind a bit recently and wanted to ask your advice.

All my life I've been a 'tomboy', but have still identified as female. Truthfully though, I don't really give a crap about gender and I don't really identify as a man or a woman, though I do identify with being biologically female. If that makes sense at all. Generally, I like more masculine things and dress in more masculine clothing and don't like stereotypically feminine things (makeup, dresses/fashion, shopping...you know, stuff like that,), but I don't specifically go for a masculine or androgynous or gender neutral look or anything.

So, I feel weird identifying myself as a non-binary gender because gender just....doesn't really matter to me? Does that make sense at all? I identify more as being biologically female than with what I understand is the concept of "gender" or having a gender. I don't really know the differences between a lot of the non-binary genders and have been thinking about what term would best describe my identity? Agender? Demigirl (due to identifying with being biologically female)? Demiboy/guy (from my masculine leaning but not identifying as a man)? Just regular "non-binary"? Maybe something else?

I hope this makes sense, because I know asking people to tell me what my gender identity sounds weird, but I guess it's more "what's the appropriate label for my identity".


21 Jun 2019, 5:11 pm (Edited 21 Jun 2019, 5:35 pm)
Idk if you’re transmed or not but..

If you have no problem with calling yourself female because that’s what’s in your pants, then I believe you’re just a tomboy.
Non-binary is a type of trans, so that means non-bins feel dysphoric. If you don’t feel dysphoric when calling yourself female, I don’t think you’re nb.

You can go by any pronouns though. I’m female but if someone calls me he/him on the internet I don’t care.

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21 Jun 2019, 5:17 pm
I'd say you're a nb female or demigirl from how you described yourself and how you feel. just my opinion though
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21 Jun 2019, 5:31 pm
(voice of a non-transmed here, meaning i dont believe dysphoria is a requirement to be trans, just for clarity's sake)
my advice would be to (if you're in a safe place to do so) try out labels! experiment a bit. find what makes you personally feel good.

for example, a very close friend of mine was assigned male and they dont mind being clocked as a guy, but they get over the moon ECSTATIC when they're referred to with they/them pronouns. it makes them far happier than when someone uses he/him even if those pronouns don't bother them. what matters to me is gender euphoria. what makes you feel happy with yourself and your identity.

perhaps try out they/them pronouns for a bit to see if you like them? and if not, then no biggie!
and if eventually you find something you prefer, that you feel is Right for you, that's perfect. whether you align more nonbinary, trans, or cis or whatever! what matters first and foremost is your happiness with yourself.

and im of a staunch belief that no one else on this earth can tell you what you for sure are or are not. that right is solely your own.
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21 Jun 2019, 5:34 pm (Edited 21 Jun 2019, 5:34 pm)
^everything squiid said is good

also, though it can be nice, you don't absolutely need a label for your gender. Many of us float in the soup of mystery.
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21 Jun 2019, 6:03 pm
Thanks all for your comments! I'm not transmed, I believe gender euphoria is a perfectly valid reason for other gender identities, and I don't feel dysphoric referring to myself as female (but strangely, referring myself as a "woman" or "lady" does not feel right to me and it never has and might be dysphoria). 0 issues with she/her pronouns tho.

You've given me stuff to think about though, thank you :D
21 Jun 2019, 9:22 pm
Another view, from someone who's.... maybe a bit more towards the 'med' side of the spectrum in terms of "what does it mean to be trans?" but not in terms of what the QUALIFICATIONS might be.

If you're trans, there is something that draws you to identify in the way that you do. It sounds to me like maybe you're feeling PRESSURE to experiment with your identity. In general, experimentation is a positive thing! But sometimes people fall into social groups that pressure them to experiment when they aren't ready by making them feel guilty if they don't.

I definitely had that experience, and ended up deciding I WASN'T trans because there was so much social pressure to adopt a trans identity in the online circle I was in that it was causing me to be uncomfortable with my identity. (Unfortunately, I was wrong about that...)

Here are some questions to ask yourself that might be enlightening, one way or the other. None of them are meant as diagnostic:
1. How do I feel about my body, particularly my secondary/primary sex characters? Is it different than how I felt before puberty? (if applicable) Did it continue to change as I went from being a teen to a young adult?
2. How do I feel about how other people treat me as a person? Same supplemental questions.
3. Imagine yourself as an adult professional, if you continue as you are, if you were to do a binary transition, and somewhere in between. Does one of these images resonate more for you than the others?
4. Do you feel like your body belongs to you? Does the relationship your body has to your mind feel more like it's a tool or like it's a puppet? (nb - this question is related to stuff besides being trans.)

Being transgender is more than being butch or femme. A trans man can be femme, a trans woman can be butch, nonbinary people can look whatsoever way they want, and none of these things ultimately tell you anything about their gender identity. Being trans is something you feel all through you - maybe deep at the core, but also maybe like taking off an itchy sweater, your assigned gender is less pleasant for you than something else.

Ultimately, I think the difference between the main chunk of the trans community and transmeds is how they conceptualize it - in the end, if you're trans, you have a reason why. The reason is YOUR OWN BUSINESS, and nobody but you, ever, ever, ever has the right to know it. You don't even have to tell the truth if someone asks if you have one. But it's there.

It's ok to be cis! Really, it is! Anybody who would get upset at you for identifying that way even though you're gender nonconforming isn't worth the time of day. GNC cis people are valid.

(...If your reaction to that statement was anger, emptiness, or feeling excluded, that is not likely to be the end of your journey.)

Being trans doesn't mean your body magically stops being the shape it is now. In fact, for some people, feeling grounded in or by their body is a key part of being trans. (Some people don't even consider themselves their "new gender" until they finish whatever "transition" means for them! I literally only found that out a few days ago, and I've been reading about people's experiences for years.)

I see a lot of similarities between how you feel now and how I used to feel. For better or worse, the only person who actually has insight into whether you're trans is... you! While the way you feel inside isn't something you get to chose, you do get to chose how you deal with it. I think you're pretty firmly in the "questioning" phase right now.

Trying to pin yourself down fast probably isn't going to make you happier in the long run than letting yourself embrace the weird, awkward feelings you're having until they calm down enough you can sort through them. There are a lot of reasons someone (especially someone AFAB) might have a strange relationship to gender and their body. Some of them are unambiguously trans, some are more ambiguous but decide that trans-ness is the best way to parse their problems, and some eventually find that staying women is what they want, in spite of their troubles. There is no one true way.

Um, anyway, that was an entire textbook... hopefully some of it was the HELPFUL kind of food for thought. I'm also at an awkward phase of Gender (trying to decide whether to come out, who to come out to, and when to start medical stuff) and am definitely seeing the process as a journey rather than a concrete Final Destination.
24 Jun 2019, 8:43 pm
Thank you all again for your comments! With your input and some soul searching I think I'm going to identify as demigirl (still using she/her pronouns) for the most part. It just kind of feels right. I realized that I did have a small bit of gender (not physical/body) dysphoria when anyone would call me a "lady"/"woman" or other feminine titles, but I have 0 body dysphoria and, as mentioned, identified with being biologically/physically female but not with being a woman. I think demigirl just fits.

So just letting you know I appreciate it and I think I'll be using demigirl from now on!
24 Jun 2019, 9:16 pm
I'm so glad you got this solved, but I want to share my experience and opinion too, if you don't mind!

I don't identify as trans-med, because I don't believe in an absolute dysphoria in the way many trans-meds do. The literal definition of dysphoria is "a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life." Even the psychology definition of dysphoria doesn't say you absolutely have to have anxiety, depression or agitation in relation to being dysphoric, but that it could be a symptom. To me, this can mean simply being dissatisfied with your gender terms to the point that you feel the need to explore them more deeply. After all, humans don't deal in absolutes. Everything is a spectrum, just like gender. You don't have to suffer to be called trans, and I personally feel happy for the people that don't.

I feel really closely to the way you do. The only difference is that I sometimes have body dysphoria and not just gender/pronoun dysphoria. It's gotten better over time because of the internet, video games, and books where in my head I can have whatever body I want, but there are still times I need to dress androgynous or even masculine to make myself feel better in my own body. I don't feel like a male in any regards, but sometimes I feel like something that's both male and female or even like neither. That's why I personally identify as gender-fluid (or gender-flux, which is still kind of a new term to me) particularly femme to agender fluid. To make it easier for people to understand I just say that I'm non-binary because gender fluid does fall under the spectrum of non-binary. Demi genders also fall under the non-binary spectrum, by the way.

I'm really glad you can identify as demigirl! It always makes me happy when people find something they identify with. I almost get euphoric when they express euphoria. <3
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